Tension...Grinding....time slowing...

So I am a bit more over myself today. Two more days of work. Everyone there is tired, stressed, close to breaking. Perhaps plotting murders. It is what I like to term stupid stress. I am guilty of it as well, taking it on that is. Stress that is created out of the psychosis and anxieties of people and placed as a burden on those who have less authority or power. It is common in hierarchical systems of work environments in this culture. In these systems the boss is allowed anger or other emotions and the expression of them while the workers or those with less authority are not. They are expected to bear it all in silence. So the stupid stress is a result of things that in my opinion are not that important. Like the wearing of white shoes or the changing of ones mind which results in 3 times the amount of work in order to implement. Or the inability to face your own failures and then blame these failures yet again on the worker bees. This is not valid stress, it is not life or death. It is not a spiritual battle. It is micro-finite reality perceptions that create cancer in the body and disfunction in the brain. I am tired of it and done with it. I must add though that the stupid stress seems to be drawn out to each concievable atom of torment at this present moment. I must remember my boundaries. Must remember that I cannot take on the world. Must remember that these are just experiences and not truths.

So here I am again writing to you my world audience. Do I need validation? Perhaps in some ways but not in all. I think mostly I just need to share. To release and to express. I really am fine with being alone. I get lonely of course but I have learned quite a bit about myself as I have been only with myself for a while now. Part of joining the Peace Corps was to be able to do this to an extreme. How to find wholeness to be complete unto myself and within myself. It is a life long persuit but if I can mostly be fine with me then the external relationships that I choose to have will be that much more incredible. I have learned several very hard lessons recently. The most pivitol at the moment being that I give in way to easily to others needs and desires before my own and above my own. It is a reoccuring pattern in my life. I noticed it with ex-boyfriends and partners and with roommates and friends. Like I could always be counted on to do what was necessary to make other's feel comfortable at my own expense. Or that I could shrug off things that mabey bothered me just a little. I added to my own beliefs that I could handle anything so long as people in my world were content. Wonder what nasty little childhood experience all that bullshit came from?

But then comes the rage and grief and loss and suppression of feelings. I decided I wanted this type of life and these patterns no more. So then come the pattern breakers. Feri, mighty to shatter every stubborn thing. Breaking me and re-making me as it does all who choose it. OR perhaps as some of my readers have remarked....the fae whisper to us....perhaps we are chosen. So yes the Gods have given me a harder lesson. A nasty little experience on the highway that has resulted in loss to a friend and I think the loss of a friend. I see now though, that all of THAT pain was a result of me not speaking up about my boundaries. After the experience I am dealing with all that I can in my own life. Now I am in a situation or position where I cannot take care of anyone else but me. Not emotionally, not financially, not spiritually, not even with my prescence. I am shown through experience what that means. The people I have been "taking care of" are now angry with me for suddenly being abscent. It is a hard lesson for them. The pain is exquisit but so is the realization and the freedom of it. Interesting really.

So yes much loss but then again I am moving to Mongolia in a month, so much to be gained as well. What I wonder will be whispered on the winds of the steppes?

M