Thoughts

The world is a malestrom spinning around my head, diving into me painfully. It is unrelenting. It never sleeps, never stops, never lets up. So how do we find peace? When do we get our lives together? When are we content? Never. And if we believe this then we love death and stasis. I can no longer hold the gates shut. I have lost my strength. So I move back and they open, they rush and they spiral. Emotion, years of it shut away, not looked at, not acknowledged. It comes seeping into me, but I am open and it will sweep out like the tide. I do not want distractions. I want to feel everything. All the pleasure and the pain. So why do we seek pleasure and run from pain? Is not pain and suffering part of being human too? So we deny who we are. We deny being human. Should not the shaman, the mystic, and the magician know what it is to be fully human in order to bend the realities that we and others create? How can we do the work without the knowlegdge of all the experiences? So I sit. I feel. I cry. I laugh. For so long I have cared what others have thought of me. I have tried to anticipate and to react in ways that would make othes happy or build my masks to be pleasing. Today I realize that none of that matters. I have experienced recently that no matter how I try to please or be fair, others will make up their own stories. They will try to tear me appart in order to preserve their stories. I have exerienced these painful revelations. I have broken up with many good friends.

So what to do? What are the truths that have been revealing themselves to me? That impermanance is beautiful and a great teacher . That suffering is as valid as pleasure. That death is not to be feared because we die everyday in someway. That mabey there is no sense to be made of the world; only that we should always be kind and gentle to ourselves and see all emotions as tools for learning and be curious about all experiences. How can we be powerful and effective magicians if we cannot bear to look at ourselves? Our work must always start from within.

What do I love? I love the primal stirrings that spiral in my belly. Those ancient voices that can never be stilled no matter how quiet they become. The dance which raises energy and changes environment and emotion. The creative passion that comes forth wanting only to express. I love too the dark Goddess within, the power and fury and terror of her. I love to see my eyes reflected in my lovers eyes, like a corodor of infinate mirrors. Beauty. Nature. Experience.

So my fear of death is lessening because only with death comes change and revelation. I see and feel truths in my body. My body never lies. My mind lies but never my body. So I love my body because it is always honest. It tells me things through its skin, through its shape and through its reactions to things. I love my body because it is totally unique, like a one of a kind gown designed to be completely different from all others. It has its own textures, its own unique smells and reactions. It is beautiful and I love its strengths and weaknesses. Human. Fascinating.

M