Many decisions...

I've created a new face you know. One you wouldn't recognize. I had to do it to survive here. Is that what life is? Survival? Should we just survive it to get through another day? In order to get through my days I must be unaproachable in the public spaces. Unkind. Unwilling. I don't laugh very much anymore. Most things are different about me now. The only time I can be myself is when I go to my bedroom and shut the door. There I can finally relax. This new mask is uncomfortable and I don't like it very much. I will abandon it when I can and certainly when I return to the US. I don't have my normal distractions anymore the only things I have are my books, my art and my writings. All else is gone. If I did not have these three outlets I would go insane. I am not a Super Star Volunteer. I do not want to assimilate and "be all I can be". I am not sure these days why I am here. People don't want to change. They want to be told what to do, especially in a collectivist culture, and they want to escape the pain of life with what ever pleasures they can get away with. People live in a foggy exsistance, reacting to their environment, not thinking and living out their lives until they die. I suppose it is the same in the US. We work jobs we hate, have expectations of people that they can never hope to live up to and numb out on alcohol, religion or worse things. So what can I possibly do here? Will I touch lives? Make a difference? Mabey. But I will never know. So should I be here so that when I come home I can put the sparkaling "Peace Corps" reference on my resume? Is it worth it? Worth suicide bombers and depression and constant harrasment and anti-malaria drugs in my blood stream? Today I am not sure. I am giving myself 3 month incriments to see how things go. I want to finish my time with this host family and then move into my own apartment and see how that goes. I am not a quitter and I want to finish this out but I have many concerns as I am sure all of you do.

So whats the what? First of all the bombings have slowed down. We are still on "alert" phase of our action plan. Our security coordinator has told us that we are no where near consolidation or evacuation. I am not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. Also the regional safety officer is coming to assess Bangladesh. Basically our office has told us that leaving is up to us if we feel unsafe. Personally I think this is highly irresponsible of them as we do not have all the information or contacts in country that they do. Putting this responsibility on our shoulders is only adding to the anxiety that we are all feeling. One married couple has already left because of the situation in country and their lack of confidence in the office. Several other people have left due to various incidents in which they felt unsafe and two were administratively seperated because they broke policy. That is almost 10 of our group that has left since training began. I am not sure what I will do yet. I am not ready to leave but I am really beginning to question being here. However, if I do choose to leave I want it to be for the right reasons and not just because of culture shock or because it is tough. To me those are not good reasons to leave.

My site is good and safe and we have had no incidences here. I have been teaching and it is fine. It is tough but teaching is not an easy profession anywhere. I am also designing my spoken English course which will focus on conversation and not grammar. I have interviews next week and will be really busy with those. I have 100 girls who have signed up for the interview and I will be swamped next week. So if I do not get on-line (I will try) don't be too worried. Remember you can always send me an SMS (to my mobile phone) or call me. I can be easily reached because of my having a mobile phone.

I also mailed out a stack of letters a few days ago so be on the look out for those. Hopefully they will reach you. I love the letters I get and the care packages and honestly sometimes the letters are all that get me through the days. I re-read them over and over and over. They really help me out. I need contact with all of you and I have to have goals to get me through the times here. I do think of home a lot and its not just me. My fellow volunteers are also going through much of what I am. WE are stressed out and depressed and anxious and many other things. Most of us don't want to come home because we feel dedicated to our work here but we all have to weigh the risks. If I feel that the Bangladesh office is not supporting us as best it can (and I am beginning to seriously have my doubts) then I will have to assess whether or not to stay. Because I can tell you that sitting at Tomasitas eating a red chili enchilanda and having a margarita sounds like pure HEAVEN. Not to mention starting up a bellydance class and finding some restaurant to shake my booty in. Seeing friends and family and getting started in grad school..... um ok gonna stop now before I have a mental melt down in this cyber cafe.

So for now I am safe. I am not feeling too hot but then again it is probably going to take me a while to get used to things. I am also planning several holidays (out of this country) so I will let you all know what is going on with that.

Love
M